Let's talk gratitude.
I heard that “Wind Beneath My Wings” song the other day and my eyes could not have rolled harder into the back of my head. By the end of it, when Bette gets to the “thank you, thank you, thank you” portion, I was unsuccessfully holding back tears (and swallowing pride).
I’m quick to judge the sappy, always have been, but there’s nothing like being slapped in the face with a dose of instant humility when my snarky tendencies are betrayed by uncontrollable emotions.
The truth is, I’m in a funk. And I have been for awhile. It’s easy, natural even, for me to dwell on the worries of the world and lose sight of all that is precious, magical, lovely, serene.
In an effort to be, well, better I’m hoping to explore ways to incorporate gratitude into my, dare I say it, attitude to diminish negativity, promote thoughtfulness, and just, like, openly express wonderful things I’m usually forgetful or quiet about.
Expressing gratitude inspires us to be better friends and family, improves our health, and gives us perspective when the last thing we want to do is look outside ourselves.
In no way is this list conclusive or useful for every single person. We all create and accept gratitude differently, but I think we can all agree it’s important to prioritize and explore it, so here’s my personal take. I hope, if nothing else, it brings you comfort and joy.
Take inventory of how my basic needs are met.
I wake up in a house filled with food and nourishment. I pick my outfit from a variety of vintage finds, thrifted goodies, and unfortunate fast fashion purchases. I have a strong makeup collection, I own a cell phone, I have daily access to WiFi, and I sleep a decent amount on a comfortable bed. I don’t live my days in fear of where my next meal will come from, if I’ll lose my home, or how I’ll survive the week.
When I realize (and list) how truly comfortable my day-to-day life is, it’s not only easier for me to express gratitude, but to let go of what doesn’t matter. Not only am I thankful for the freelancing gigs that provide revenue for me, I’m going to let go of where my credit score is currently because it could be far worse.
Reminder to self: be aware of how good I have it - share that goodness with others.
Write a daily gratitude list. Be thorough.
A therapist a few years back asked me to make note of five things I’m grateful for each day for two weeks. By day 14, my list was pretty out there and included the invention of coffee, Dolly Parton, and any system that allows me to stay in my car while making a purchase or completing a transaction (social anxiety for 400, Alex).
That sounds flippant and silly, but I am truly grateful for the little things. Coffee isn’t just a caffeine supplement that my body is entirely too dependent upon - it’s the elixir that unites me with old friends, it’s the ice breaker when making new ones. Coffee tastes like surprise inspiration on a rainy Saturday morning. It smells like home, when all is quiet and calm. I have a visceral connection to coffee and the ceremonies that surround it. I’m grateful for the opportunity to take time out of my day to celebrate a cup of coffee.
I think Dolly Parton speaks for herself and I don’t need to convince folks why we are all collectively grateful for her, right?
Here’s my list for today:
I’m grateful my 12 year old cat, Bam, is in good health and will probably outlive all of us. He’s an irksome joy and my life is richer with him in it, even as he licks my toes while I write this when he knows I hate that!!!!!!!!! I’ll cherish the time we have together.
I’m grateful I have access to clean, running water. Flint, MI, is still mostly without clean water. Our access to water is threatened daily by multi-billion dollar corporations. The future is bleak for Water Protectors. I’m thankful I was able to shower last night and sit here drinking water now.
I’m grateful little Hannah is healthy. She had access to a doctor this morning and she’s doing well. My heart overflows with gratitude for those little lives.
I’m grateful I have the means to write this blog post. I have a laptop. Sure, it’s slowly giving up on me, but it’s kicking for the time being. I have access to WiFi, the time and energy to write, and the means to publish my thoughts to a website. I’m grateful.
This one will seem frivolous, but I’m grateful for skincare products. I’ve suffered with a range of skin issues my entire life and I’ve finally found products that help alleviate the pain of chronic hives and are actually benefiting my skin. I’m grateful for the means to buy skincare products. (It’s ok to be grateful for the seemingly “superficial” stuff - we all have our things.)
Reminder to self: make time each day to speak or write things for which I am grateful, including the teeny tiny stuff, for which other people might not be grateful. And that’s ok.
When a grateful thought crosses my mind, speak it.
Sometimes I sit across from my mother and study her face. She doesn’t notice. I memorize the way her brows furrow when her Candy Crush game doesn’t cooperate. She rests her hand in her chin after a long day at work and I wonder what fires she had to put out or which vacation she’s dreaming about as she scrolls through Facebook. I dwell on how much she’s given me. I wonder where I’d be without her (I wouldn’t know how to pronounce the word “boutique,” and I absolutely would not have survived that first grade computer class…).
I’m abundantly, infinitely, endlessly, fully grateful for her. Her gifts, her perseverance, her generous heart, her, well, everything. I’m grateful for my mom. And I don’t tell her often enough. I don’t pause the conversation to say, “thank you for listening and teaching me what it means to be forgiving.”
Mama, thank you.
Reminder to self: be vocal with my gratitude - share it as effortlessly as it appears in my brain.
Be aware and critical of my own privileges in our society. Understand how lacking those privileges marginalizes others.
Listen. We have to talk about privilege when we talk about gratitude (and when we talk about most things). When someone says you have privilege (white, thin, straight, male, etc.), please consider they’re providing this information because they care about you and not as an unwarranted accusation. It’s likely very difficult for this person to bring up said topic. Be grateful for friends who speak openly, vulnerably, lovingly (even if they are frustrated, angry, at a loss).
I get it. I fought the label of “white privilege” because a) I wasn’t one of those white people b) I had Black friends c) my life isn’t easy either!
All we mean when we say someone has white privilege (myself included) is that they/we are not systematically discriminated against because of our race. We, as white people, are not being harassed, mistreated, or murdered at the rates Black people are in America (namely, Black trans women). And we should let that gratitude move us to give up power, pass the mic, support marginalized folks, dismantle these violent systems and do better.
To have privilege does not mean existing without trouble, heartache, illness, or pain. It means your life isn’t harder because of your race, weight, abilities, or sexual orientation. My life isn’t made more difficult or at risk because of the color of my skin and I will move through our society with that awareness. I’ll acknowledge that privilege and use it to fight for those who are marginalized and oppressed.
I say all of this to make note that my gratitude comes from a different place because I’m not systematically targeted on a daily basis. I have the headspace to be thankful for the frivolous and unnecessary because I’m not fighting to defend my own existence daily. That privilege and distinction has to be acknowledged.
I am, obviously, not an expert on race or privilege. I’m still unpacking, unlearning, and understanding. But if you’re interested in exploring this topic further, I recommend following these accounts, reading their guidelines, listening, and paying: Rachel Cargle, Walela Nehanda, Rachel Ricketts, ShiShi Rose, Ericka Hart, Kendriana Speaks. These incredible writers, artists, activists, and people do not exist in a vacuum. Neither does their work. I’m grateful they publish online, in an accessible manner, when they absolutely don’t owe anyone their time or resources.
Reminder to self: use my privilege to give up power.
When moments of disappointment, doubt, and despair present themselves, say “thank you.”
I hate this one. I hate it. And it’s ok if you do too. I am in no way asking marginalized folks to say “thank you” to their oppressors or systems that keep them locked in oppressive cycles. Nope. I’m also not telling folks who live with mental health issues to “thank” their depression for another lousy day. Not at all.
I’m talking to Bethany here. Bethany, who tends to see the glass half empty. Who obsesses over the inconveniences. Who lets the ughhhhhhhhhs of life get into her head. Bethany, we have to focus on the little blessings that are wrapped up in the large heartaches of our lives.
Last year, around this time, I was in and out of job interviews, applying for three new jobs a day, spending hours pouring over my resume and cover letters, talking myself up, checking LinkedIn like it was an old love, and spending lots of time criticizing capitalism while simultaneously trying to get in its good graces.
I participated in a five hour interview, complete with a presentation, three group interviews, and lots of “May I please have a glass of water - I think my lips fell off a few minutes ago.” It was intense, brutal, even.
I made it to the final round and was in the top three considered for the position. I didn’t get the job. Or the one after that. Or the one after that.
Two weeks later, my brother-in-law died and I moved in with my sister 60 miles from Waco. How grateful I am to this day that I didn’t get those jobs. How grateful I am that I was struggling to find work and make ends meet. How grateful I am that I was available.
On Sunday, my mom was in a serious car accident. Thankfully, she and everyone involved walked away (mostly) unscathed. She’s alive. My car is totaled, but she’s alive. My back went into an unbelievable spasm when I received the news, but she’s alive.
After dwelling in the murky pit of grief for a year, a totaled car is a walk in the park. My mom’s alive and safe. I’ll take the totaled car any day of the week.
Reminder to self: It’s ok to sit with pain and be upset, but, eventually, I must remind myself it can always be worse and there’s an upside to (most) unfortunate situations.
I needed to spell this out for myself and publish it to the world to hold myself accountable. It costs $0.00 to speak gratitude for the good stuff and reconsider the bad. I’m grateful you’re reading this. I’m grateful you’re here.
Bethany Swoveland is a poet and digital artist in Texas. She’s available for freelance work and can be reached at bethanyswoveland@gmail.com. Sign up for Bethany’s monthly email newsletter here.